News of the Week 1-12-08

From the Folk Sessions Live! News Bureau in Clearwater Florida
North Korea News: After a national intelligence estimate revealed that Iran has halted its nuclear arms program, President Kim Jong-Il ejected Iran from the Axis of Evil. Kim said he was not sure who would replace Iran in the Axis of Evil, but he is looking at Venezuela, Syria, and Rupert Murdoch.
Turkey News: U.S. officials said they were unaware that Turkey was sending bombers to bomb northern Iraq. Turkish officials responded saying it was a part of their military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.Iowa News: The Iowa caucus was held last week. As you may know, caucus is a Greek word which means, “the only day anyone pays any attention to Iowa.”
New Hampshire News: Barack Obama lost the state’s primary race. He got nearly 55% of the youth vote, but less than 35% of the female vote, He did, however, get 100% of New Hampshire’s black vote, a guy named Harry.
Vermont News: A former home of poet Robert Frost was burglarized during the holidays. The thieves were captured nearby where two roads diverged in the woods, unable to decide which one to take.
Auction News: The Magna Carta was sold at auction. It was signed by King John eight centuries ago and established that the king is not above the law. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, “just a piece of paper”.
Hollywood News: The Writers Guild remains on strike. There appear to be two major issues unresolved. First the writers want a share of Internet revenues, and secondly they want four more years of President Bush.
Clinton Update: Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary. She has always had a soft spot in her heart for the state. New Hampshire’s state motto is Live Free or Die, and Bill had it inserted in their marriage vows.
Huckabee Update: Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee apologized for “unfortunate” remarks he made about Mormonism, telling a reporter, “If they want to drink the blood of human babies, that’s their business.”
Obama Update: Pundits say that Barack Obam’s worship of Oprah Winfrey puts him in the mainstream of American theological belief, and that currently more than 30% of Americans define themselves as “Oprahists.”
Thompson Update: Fred Thompson continues to drop in the polls. First he was a lawyer, then he was an actor and now he is a politician. The descent into hell is easy; it is the climbing out that is tough.
Sports News: Delegates at a track and field convention called on baseball to erase Barry Bonds’ records because of his indictment for perjury. If that happens, the entire Library of Congress may have to go too.