News of the Week 12-5-08

World News: A thick brown cloud of soot is now covering much of Asia. Experts say the cloud poses a grave threat to TV reception around the entire world. And, oh yeah… life on earth.

Afghanistan News: Officials want to negotiate with the Taliban to find peace. It turns out there is a moderate wing of the Mujahadeen. They believe in covering up their women, but they are not averse to Spandex.

Indonesia News: The government has implemented a new hi-tech system aimed at detecting potential tsunamis. It replaces the old system, which was a tall guy who started yelling when the tide reached his armpits.

Somalia News: Somali pirates are said to be in discussions to purchase Citigroup. The pirates will finance the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS’s will be backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijacking oil tankers in the Gulf of Aden.

Congressional News: Democratic congressional leaders are promising to fix the econ omy, health care, energy and end the Iraq war. In a related story, after that they plan to create a country made entirely of candy.

Economic News: The national debt clock in Times Square has run out of digits. It only goes up to a trillion. We are adding two more digits so it can go up to a quadrillion dollars. Are these real numbers? Don’t they sound like the kind of numbers you would use as a kid when you argued with your friends?

Election Recap: There were some great sound bites from the presidential election. My favorites were Barack Obama saying, “We are the change that we seek”; John McCain saying, “I would rather lose an election than lose a war”; and Sarah Palin saying, “Do you have this in size 6?”.

Gas Update: Gas here in Clearwater has dropped to $1.75 per gallon. To give you an idea of exactly how much gas has dropped in price, today I saw some guy driving a Prius without that smug look on his face.

Transition News: Democrats issued a warning to the White House to “preser ve all their records”. The move was prompted by the delivery of a blast furnace to Vice President Cheney’s office.

Alaska News: I feel bad about Senator Ted Stevens’ corruption conviction. He is an 84-year-old white guy. If this had not happened, he probably would have been the Republican nominee in 2012.

Business News: There was a new car show in Washington D.C. last week. Tickets to get in were only $10.00, but it cost $25 billion to get out.

Science News: Scientist say new studies explain why “Mama and “Papa” are a baby’s first words. It is because children learn very early to “follow the money!”

Hollywood News: The “Saw” horror film series is now the top grossing horror franchise of all time, beating out Freddy, Jason and the Bush family.

Clinton Update: Hillary Clinton is said to be upset with her daughter. Apparently when Chelsea came home late after a recent date, Hillary asked her is she had had sex and Chelsa replied, “ “not according to dad.”

Obama Update: Michelle and Barack Obama said that they will wait to get a puppy until after they move into the White House. They want the puppy to have its papers, examination, shots… you know, totally “vet-ed”.

Palin Update: Fox News reported that when Sarah Palin was being prepped for the debates she did not know that Africa was a continent and not a country. But to be fair to Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska.

Sports News: Tampa Bay Rays Evan Longoria was voted Rookie of the Year. Florida retirees aren’t that interested. They get much more excited over which proctologist wins the Gold Glove Award.

Reminder: Trillion is the new billion.

Weather News: Hurricanes Gustav and Ike may have destroyed the Gulf of Mexico seafood industry. Well, except for one man and his boat named “Jenny”.

Squib Notes:

1.      Fed to buy up all losing lottery tickets

2.      Jodie quote, “Ducking for apples - change one letter and it’s the story of my life.”

3.      Palin to meet with Obama. She will brief him on Russia and Africa.

Quote of the Week: “I kept asking myself who is the idiot buying up all these mortgages issued on inflated home prices given to people who do not have the capacity to repay the loans? Now I find out it was me.