News of the Week 1-24-08
Jan 24, 2008 in News of the Week
From the Folk Sessions Live! News Bureau in Clearwater, Florida
Pentagon News: Officials backed off claims that an Iranian speedboat threatened to ram a U.S. Navy ship. The first clue that they were not suicide bombers might have been that they were wearing those life vests?
State Depart. News: Karen Hughes resigned after trying to improve America’s image in the Arab world. So “Mission Accomplished”! We are now slightly less popular than editorial cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad.
Florida News: The Florida presidential primaries will be held next week, so be sure to get out and vote for the least reprehensible candidate of your choice.
North Dakota News: A farmer is predicting a normal winter based on the size of pig spleens. He tried to get federal funding to prove his prediction, but the government said they are trying to cut back on pork.
Texas Thought: Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed how people in Texas are very quick to point out that George W. Bush was born in Connecticut?
National News: President Bush’s speechwriter, William McGurn, retired. He is going to have a big hole in his resume. “So, what exactly did you do from 2000 to 2007? It says here you did “some of this and a little of that”.
Middle East News: Osama bin Laden’s son, Omar, says he want to be a peace activist. Omar’s star is definitely on the rise. He is already in talks with television to appear in “Growing Up Bin Laden.”
Question of the Week: How were you able to so accurately predict Mitt Romney winning Michigan?
Answer: It was quite simple really. I noticed that Michigan is kind of shaped like a mitten. And then I remembered that Romney’s name is Mitt. And the first rule of primary politics is voters always vote for the candidate whose name is the shape of their state. … Tip O’Neill said it … “All politics is local shapes.”
Comic Book News: In the latest Marvel Comic Book edition Spiderman’s twenty-year-old marriage has fallen apart. Apparently he has been ignoring his wife and spending too much time on the web.
Huckabee Update: To appeal to his base constituency, Mike Huckabee said he will gain back 100 Pounds.
Internet News: According to Google trends, the people in the world most likely to look up homosexual activity on the Internet are in Saudi Arabia. Now that is the ultimate dilemma for Republicans–Gays with oil.
Linguistic News: “Subprime” was named the word of the year for 2007, barely beating out “Predatory.”
Media News: After paying five billion dollars for The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch announced this week that he will reduce the size of the paper by removing all the facts.
Oprah Update: Oprah Winfrey now owns her own cable network. It is a perfect fit. She now owns her own cable network, talk show, magazine, book club, girls school and presidential candidate.
Smurf News: The Smurfs turn 50 this year. You can tell the cute little creatures are aging. They still eat smurfberries from smilax leaves, but now it is to keep them regular.
Sports News: Terrell Owens cried at his press conference after his team lost to the New York Giants. Hillary Clinton called him in the locker room and told him the trick to winning is to cry before the game.
This Just In
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