News of the Week 2-2-08
Feb 3, 2008 in News of the Week
SPECIAL SUPER TUESDAY ADDITION
Election News: For the Democrats it looks like a battle between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. So, it is a black man or a white woman. It is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life.
GOP News: Rudy Giuliani and Mike Huckabee are both asking their staffs to work without pay. They want them to work without pay to help them get across their message; “I’m the best one to fix the economy.”
California News: In his budget speech, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that California should be more like Arkansas. And today, Britney Spears’ pregnant 16-year-old sister said, “Hey, I’m doing my part!”
Nevada News: Hookers in Nevada are supporting Ron Paul. He is a gynecologist who wants to abolish the IRS. That makes him the second-best friend a hooker ever had, just behind the Shriners’ Convention.
Auction News: A copy of the Magna Carte was sold at auction for $21.3 million. In a related story, a copy of King John’s accompanying “signing statement” sold for $5-million.
Kucinich Update: Dennis Kucinich dropped out of the presidential race. In a related story, thousands of comedy writers cried out as if in one voice: “Noooooooooooooooo”
NASA News: An image from NASA taken on the surface of Mars was purported to me that of a man. In a related story, NASA also reported the image of a woman spotted on Venus.
Thompson Update: After dropping out of the presidential race, Fred Thompson announced that he would return to acting, joining “E.R.” in the role of a coma patient.Iran News: Iran continues to claim its nuclear program is for peaceful purposes. If history is any guide, Iran will use its nuclear power for peaceful purposes unless, of course, somebody draws a cartoon they don’t like.
Iraq News: U.S. officials say they are worried that Iraq will be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, I say if it’s good enough for the Republican Party, it’s good enough for Iraq!
Pakistan News: Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf now says Benazir Bhutto’s assassination was her own fault, because she came back to Pakistan, stood up outside her car, and was born without a bulletproof head.
National News: President Bush gave his final State of the Union Address this week. Every major television network covered the speech, which was also simulcast in English.
Celebrity News: Dr. Phil is under attack for talking publicly about Britney Spears need for psychiatric care. It was a shocking breech of privacy to the three or four people in the world who were not aware of that.
Baseball News: Roger Clemens continues to deny he used steroids. And what could be more credible than a massive 45-year-old, pitching 100 mph and flying into a blind furious rage while denying he is on steroids?
