New of the Week 1/1/09
Jan 1, 2009 in News of the Week
Iraq News: The Iraqi reporter who threw his shoes at President Bush is still in police custody. They are still trying to determine if he is a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite.
National News: President Bush said that before he leaves office, he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. Particularly places where people can’t afford to buy shoes.
Pentagon News: Officials called the latest missile defense test an “unqualified success.” The results prove if we can get our enemies to provide us with the coordinates of incoming missiles, we have a chance of hitting them.
Electoral College News: The Electoral College will meet on January 6 to elect the next president of the United States. The electoral vote count is 349 for Obama, 148 for McCain. Or as Fox News says, “too close to call.”
Emanuel Update: Barack Obama’s chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, went to Africa for the Christmas Holidays while his boss vacationed in Hawaii. That birth certificate has to be somewhere!
Florida News: 50 cats, 20 ducks and 15 turkeys were taken from a home in New Smyrna Beach and a woman was arrested after her mother told authorities that she kept warm by covering herself with the animals and-oh never min¦ here in Florida it is getting pathetically easy to find stories like this. Where’s the challenge?
Minnesota News: The state Supreme Court handed down a decision that ensures the Franken-Coleman Senate race will not be resolved soon, at least until the ballots from Palm Beach County, Florida can be recounted.
Jackson Update : Jesse Jackson Jr. offered Governor Blagojevich $1-million to be appointed to the U.S. Senate. If that is true, it could be the worst setback for the Jackson family since the invention of DNA paternity tests.
Kennedy Update: Caroline Kennedy has asked Time Magazine to name her Person of the Year for 2009 even though we are only two days into the year. In addition to the Person of the Year honors, Caroline also expressed an interest in the Nobel Peace Prize, the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award and the Victoria Cross.
Obama Update: Barack Obama is promising not to smoke cigarettes while in the White House. That is no big deal to me. If he fixes the economy as he has promised, he can smoke a bong in the White House for all I care!
Palin Update: Sources say Sarah Palin is being courted by a lot of big Hollywood talent agencies and may get her own talk show. She would be a lot like Rush Limbaugh, but with smaller breasts.
Business News: The Hasbro Toy Company dropped a lawsuit against the makers of an online version of Scrabble. The legal principle involved is “nolle pro sequi,” which by the way is worth 122 points with a triple word score with a 50-point bonus for 7 letters or more.
Farming News: Farmers are fearing the government may start taxing cows and pigs for creating methane by passing gas and belching. One has to ask, “If that happens, can a tax on NASCAR fans be far behind?â€
HBO News: “House of Saddam,” an HBO mini-series, got rave reviews. The movie follows the dictator from his early career as a CIA dupe to his final days in power as a CIA dupe.
Medical News: Henry Molaison, who lived for decades with profound amnesia and contributed greatly to doctors understanding brain functions, has died. He was laid to rest surrounded by bouquets of Forget-Me-Nots.
Science News: On December 31, one second was added to the year 2008. The additional time was added by the International Society of Sadists.
Television New s: I saw the movie It’s a Wonderful Life three times last week. It is different today. When they made that movie back then, the government actually asked banks to account for what money was missing.
Squib Notes:
1. Madoff asks for $50-billion bailout.
Quote of the Week: There are no atheists in foxholes and there are no libertarians in fin ancial crises.
