The Folk Sessions 7 Year Celebration

w/ Three Legged Dog, Dave Baumann & Barbara Heber, Soul Creek, Dennis Garvey, Alexa MacDonald, Phil Shanks, Andy Hurlbut and Layne Longfellow

The Highlands Center for Natural History
1375 S. Walker Rd. Prescott    776-9550

Saturday, Sept 11,  7pm    

The Folk Sessions 7 Year Celebration w/ Three Legged Dog. Dave Baumann & Barbara Hebert, Dennis Garvey, Alexa MacDonald, Soul Creek and more

National News: President Bush said that before he leaves office, he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. Particularly places where people can’t afford to buy shoes.

Pentagon News: Officials called the latest missile defense test an “unqualified success.” The results prove if we can get our enemies to provide us with the coordinates of incoming missiles, we have a chance of hitting them.

Electoral College News: The Electoral College will meet on January 6 to elect the next president of the United States. The electoral vote count is 349 for Obama, 148 for McCain. Or as Fox News says, “too close to call.”

Emanuel Update: Barack Obama’s chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, went to Africa for the Christmas Holidays while his boss vacationed in Hawaii. That birth certificate has to be somewhere!

Florida News: 50 cats, 20 ducks and 15 turkeys were taken from a home in New Smyrna Beach and a woman was arrested after her mother told authorities that she kept warm by covering herself with the animals and-oh never min¦ here in Florida it is getting pathetically easy to find stories like this. Where’s the challenge?

Minnesota News: The state Supreme Court handed down a decision that ensures the Franken-Coleman Senate race will not be resolved soon, at least until the ballots from Palm Beach County, Florida can be recounted.

Jackson Update : Jesse Jackson Jr. offered Governor Blagojevich $1-million to be appointed to the U.S. Senate. If that is true, it could be the worst setback for the Jackson family since the invention of DNA paternity tests.

Kennedy Update: Caroline Kennedy has asked Time Magazine to name her Person of the Year for 2009 even though we are only two days into the year. In addition to the Person of the Year honors, Caroline also expressed an interest in the Nobel Peace Prize, the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award and the Victoria Cross.

Obama Update: Barack Obama is promising not to smoke cigarettes while in the White House. That is no big deal to me. If he fixes the economy as he has promised, he can smoke a bong in the White House for all I care!

Palin Update: Sources say Sarah Palin is being courted by a lot of big Hollywood talent agencies and may get her own talk show. She would be a lot like Rush Limbaugh, but with smaller breasts.

Business News: The Hasbro Toy Company dropped a lawsuit against the makers of an online version of Scrabble. The legal principle involved is “nolle pro sequi,” which by the way is worth 122 points with a triple word score with a 50-point bonus for 7 letters or more.

Farming News: Farmers are fearing the government may start taxing cows and pigs for creating methane by passing gas and belching. One has to ask, “If that happens, can a tax on NASCAR fans be far behind?”

HBO News: “House of Saddam,” an HBO mini-series, got rave reviews. The movie follows the dictator from his early career as a CIA dupe to his final days in power as a CIA dupe.

Medical News: Henry Molaison, who lived for decades with profound amnesia and contributed greatly to doctors understanding brain functions, has died. He was laid to rest surrounded by bouquets of Forget-Me-Nots.

Science News: On December 31, one second was added to the year 2008. The additional time was added by the International Society of Sadists.

Television New s: I saw the movie It’s a Wonderful Life three times last week. It is different today. When they made that movie back then, the government actually asked banks to account for what money was missing.

Squib Notes:

1. Madoff asks for $50-billion bailout.

Quote of the Week: There are no atheists in foxholes and there are no libertarians in fin ancial crises.

Afghanistan News: Officials want to negotiate with the Taliban to find peace. It turns out there is a moderate wing of the Mujahadeen. They believe in covering up their women, but they are not averse to Spandex.

Indonesia News: The government has implemented a new hi-tech system aimed at detecting potential tsunamis. It replaces the old system, which was a tall guy who started yelling when the tide reached his armpits.

Somalia News: Somali pirates are said to be in discussions to purchase Citigroup. The pirates will finance the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS’s will be backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijacking oil tankers in the Gulf of Aden.

Congressional News: Democratic congressional leaders are promising to fix the econ omy, health care, energy and end the Iraq war. In a related story, after that they plan to create a country made entirely of candy.

Economic News: The national debt clock in Times Square has run out of digits. It only goes up to a trillion. We are adding two more digits so it can go up to a quadrillion dollars. Are these real numbers? Don’t they sound like the kind of numbers you would use as a kid when you argued with your friends?

Election Recap: There were some great sound bites from the presidential election. My favorites were Barack Obama saying, “We are the change that we seek”; John McCain saying, “I would rather lose an election than lose a war”; and Sarah Palin saying, “Do you have this in size 6?”.

Gas Update: Gas here in Clearwater has dropped to $1.75 per gallon. To give you an idea of exactly how much gas has dropped in price, today I saw some guy driving a Prius without that smug look on his face.

Transition News: Democrats issued a warning to the White House to “preser ve all their records”. The move was prompted by the delivery of a blast furnace to Vice President Cheney’s office.

Alaska News: I feel bad about Senator Ted Stevens’ corruption conviction. He is an 84-year-old white guy. If this had not happened, he probably would have been the Republican nominee in 2012.

Business News: There was a new car show in Washington D.C. last week. Tickets to get in were only $10.00, but it cost $25 billion to get out.

Science News: Scientist say new studies explain why “Mama and “Papa” are a baby’s first words. It is because children learn very early to “follow the money!”

Hollywood News: The “Saw” horror film series is now the top grossing horror franchise of all time, beating out Freddy, Jason and the Bush family.

Clinton Update: Hillary Clinton is said to be upset with her daughter. Apparently when Chelsea came home late after a recent date, Hillary asked her is she had had sex and Chelsa replied, “ “not according to dad.”

Obama Update: Michelle and Barack Obama said that they will wait to get a puppy until after they move into the White House. They want the puppy to have its papers, examination, shots… you know, totally “vet-ed”.

Palin Update: Fox News reported that when Sarah Palin was being prepped for the debates she did not know that Africa was a continent and not a country. But to be fair to Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska.

Sports News: Tampa Bay Rays Evan Longoria was voted Rookie of the Year. Florida retirees aren’t that interested. They get much more excited over which proctologist wins the Gold Glove Award.

Reminder: Trillion is the new billion.

Weather News: Hurricanes Gustav and Ike may have destroyed the Gulf of Mexico seafood industry. Well, except for one man and his boat named “Jenny”.

Squib Notes:

1.      Fed to buy up all losing lottery tickets

2.      Jodie quote, “Ducking for apples - change one letter and it’s the story of my life.”

3.      Palin to meet with Obama. She will brief him on Russia and Africa.

Quote of the Week: “I kept asking myself who is the idiot buying up all these mortgages issued on inflated home prices given to people who do not have the capacity to repay the loans? Now I find out it was me.

Albert Einstein said, and I’m paraphrasing, that a definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

The Folk Sessions supports Barak Obama for president.

Cuba News: Mostly no-shows at Gitmo reunion.

Switzerland News: Particle collider shut down after someone hears “big bang”.

National News: Econ 101 textbook costs President Bush $700 billion.

Election News: McCain replaces Palin with startled deer following interview with Katie Couric.

Health News: New research says eating vegetables shrinks the brain. Study funded entirely by eight-year-olds.

Wall Street: Duncan YoYo in talks to buy New York Stock Exchange.
Israel News: Israel is cashing in on the worl’s caviar crisis by exporting tons of the costly delicacy from farm-raised sturgeon. It may be a good short-term idea, but in the long run I bet it is a tough “roe” to hoe.

National News: The stock market closed last Monday down 777 points, the biggest point drop in history. The good news is President Bush was able to cross off the 10th and final item on his administrationâ’s bucket list.
ATF News: The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms is reporting it has lost 418 laptop computers and 76 hand guns in the past five years. Sources inside the bureau say alcohol may be to blame.
Economic News: The House plans to debate legislation to inject $50 billion of stimulus into the U.S. economy with the goal of creating new jobs. Mostly jobs in the currency printing business.

Election News: Major network officials announced today that two more presidential debates have been added to the schedule. Barack Obama will debate Sarah Palin on Oct. 18 and John McCain will debate her Oct 20.

Financial News: Senator Chris Dodd said that the economic bailout plan would “Put the Constitution at risk”. Wow, is he ever out of touch. We haven’t used that old thing in years!

Massachusetts News: Newspapers across the country ran a picture of a fire fighter in New Bedford reviving a cat by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. That is probably the story I would go with too if I were him.
West Virginia News: One of the state’s largest flea markets was destroyed by fire last month. The owners say that the damages are expected to be in the tens of dollars.

Question of the Week: Joe, If Congress reaches a deal on the bailout, what should I do then?

Answer: If you are an American taxpayer, grab your ankles!

Edwards Update: John Edwards apparently paid his mistress $100-thousand and gave her a mansion. Edwards still has his dream of ending poverty in the United States, but now he is ending it one woman at a time.

McCain Update: John McCain said that the fundamentals of our economy are still sound. To which O.J. Simpson said, “Hey, is it too late to get him on my jury?”

Obama Update: Barack Obama gave a speech in the middle of a rodeo ring in Colorado. He began his speech at the rodeo by saying, “Hello - I am what is known as a black guy.”

Palin Update: The Alaska governor is said to be focusing on economic issues in order to better help the ticket. She already has some unique ideas. For instance, changing the U.S. currency from dollars to pelts.

Reminder: Hindsight is $7 billion.

Weather News: I don’t want to say that this has been a bad hurricane season so far this year, but the director of FEMA has been busier than the Lamaze instructor at a Palin family reunion.

Squib Notes:

I went out and bought my wife a toaster and they gave me a free bank.

Quote of the Week: “When most Americans know the name of the Secretary of Treasury, that canâ’t be good.”

Election News: For the Democrats it looks like a battle between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. So, it is a black man or a white woman. It is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life.
GOP News: Rudy Giuliani and Mike Huckabee are both asking their staffs to work without pay. They want them to work without pay to help them get across their message; “I’m the best one to fix the economy.”
California News: In his budget speech, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that California should be more like Arkansas. And today, Britney Spears’ pregnant 16-year-old sister said, “Hey, I’m doing my part!”
Nevada News: Hookers in Nevada are supporting Ron Paul. He is a gynecologist who wants to abolish the IRS. That makes him the second-best friend a hooker ever had, just behind the Shriners’ Convention.
Auction News: A copy of the Magna Carte was sold at auction for $21.3 million. In a related story, a copy of King John’s accompanying “signing statement” sold for $5-million.

Kucinich Update: Dennis Kucinich dropped out of the presidential race. In a related story, thousands of comedy writers cried out as if in one voice: “Noooooooooooooooo”
NASA News: An image from NASA taken on the surface of Mars was purported to me that of a man. In a related story, NASA also reported the image of a woman spotted on Venus.
Thompson Update: After dropping out of the presidential race, Fred Thompson announced that he would return to acting, joining “E.R.” in the role of a coma patient.Iran News: Iran continues to claim its nuclear program is for peaceful purposes. If history is any guide, Iran will use its nuclear power for peaceful purposes unless, of course, somebody draws a cartoon they don’t like.
Iraq News: U.S. officials say they are worried that Iraq will be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, I say if it’s good enough for the Republican Party, it’s good enough for Iraq!
Pakistan News: Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf now says Benazir Bhutto’s assassination was her own fault, because she came back to Pakistan, stood up outside her car, and was born without a bulletproof head.
National News: President Bush gave his final State of the Union Address this week. Every major television network covered the speech, which was also simulcast in English.

Celebrity News: Dr. Phil is under attack for talking publicly about Britney Spears need for psychiatric care. It was a shocking breech of privacy to the three or four people in the world who were not aware of that.
Baseball News: Roger Clemens continues to deny he used steroids. And what could be more credible than a massive 45-year-old, pitching 100 mph and flying into a blind furious rage while denying he is on steroids?